Edward the Ambiguous
by podex carmen
Summary: Jasper and Emmett have a conversation about Edward. Things go downhill from there.
1. Chapter 1

Edward the Ambiguous

This is set just before Bella shows up and provides Jasper and Emmett with the definitive answer.

**This will be the last fanfiction I write, unless I decide to write another.**

_Insert your favourite disclaimer here, the gist of which is that I own nothing._

*

Emmett and Jasper were in the front room of the Cullen's house having an intelligent, mature, well thought out argument.

"Uh-huh!" said Emmett.

"Nuh-uh!" said Jasper.

"Uh-huh!" said Emmett.

"Nuh-uh!" said Jasper.

Well, it was an argument, anyway.

The argument had started a few minutes earlier. The two had been watching a movie when Emmett turned to Jasper and said: "Y'know, I've just thought of something."

Jasper groaned inwardly. Emmett thinking was rarely a good thing, quite often a bad thing and occasionally reaching the status of Very Bad Thing. The last time Emmett had uttered those very words had been a few weeks earlier. The two had been watching one of the action adventure movies Emmett was so fond of, when Emmett turned to Jasper and said: "Y'know, I just thought of something."

"What?" asked Jasper, knowing he would soon regret it.

"You ever wonder what it would be like if Samuel L. Jackson was a smurf?"

Jasper pondered those words for several seconds, an eternity for a vampire, rolling them around in his mind, making sure he had heard correctly, before he confessed that no, that particular thought had never occurred to him.

"It'd be cool!" Emmett said with enthusiasm. "Imagine the movie lines. 'Enough is enough!'" he cried in a voice that sounded like a disturbingly accurate impression of Samuel L. Jackson on helium. "`I've had enough of these mother smurfin' snakes on this mother smurfin' plane!'"

It was only Jasper's sense of slack jawed disbelief coupled with his sense of dignity, bred into his very bones during his human days in the South that stopped him from stuffing his fingers in his ears and crying out "LaLaLaLa!"

Emmett took Jasper's silence as encouragement. "Or- imagine Pulp Fiction!"

"Pulp Fiction with smurfs?"

"Yeah! 'Mine's the one that says bad mother smurfer.'"

If this was not bad enough, Emmett's ideas had a strange way of getting embedded in Jasper's head, staying there, quietly growing, until they came out in unexpected ways at inopportune times. In this case it was a few days later at school. Jasper had been paired up with another student for an assignment. The other student, with tremendous energy and an absolute absence of logic or coherence began babbling about how the project should proceed until Jasper irritably interjected: "What the smurf are you talking about?"

The other student stopped his prattle. "What did you just say?" he asked.

_What did I just say?_ thought Jasper. "I said, er…"

"You said 'what the smurf,'" said the other student.

"Um, no I didn't," said Jasper.

"Yes you did," said the student. He looked as though he might break out laughing at Jasper. "I heard it."

'Emmett,' thought Jasper in exasperation. Outwardly he said: "Let's… just do the assignment."

But it was too late. Now when he walked down the hallways of school he could hear the other students whispering "smurf" as he passed. Though he had spoken the words, he knew in his heart it was utterly and absolutely Emmett's fault.

So it was with some trepidation that Jasper turned to Emmett and said: "What's your idea this time?" Inwardly he prayed _please don't let it be smurfs_.

Emmett looked unusually thoughtful. "I've been thinking about Edward, and I think he's y'know…"

"I know what?" asked Jasper.

"Edward's… You know," said Emmett.

"No I don't," said Jasper.

"Yes you do," said Emmett. "He's a…y'know."

"What the smurf are you talking about?" said Jasper.

Emmett was taken aback. "What did you just say?"

Not again. "I said… We were talking about Edward. You think Edward is something I am supposed to know but don't."

Emmett sighed in exasperation, no mean feat for a vampire who didn't breathe. "I think Edward…. is… I think he's… gay."

Jasper's first reaction to that was _Well, at least it's got the smurf thing off my mind._ Then he scoffed. "No he's not," he said.

"Yes, he is," said Emmett.

"No, he isn't," said Jasper.

"Yes, he is," said Emmett.

"Is not," said Jasper.

"Is too," said Emmett.

"Is not."

"Is."

"Isn't."

"Uh-huh."

"Nuh-uh."

"Uh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

Which brings us back to the beginning of our story.

"Uh-huh!"

"Nuh… This is stupid," said Jasper.

"No, it's true. I'm telling you, I'm right," said Emmett.

"Care to make a wager?" asked Jasper.

"You're on," said Emmett.

"How much?"

"Five bucks," said Emmett.

"Five bucks?" scoffed Jasper. "We are immortal vampires, wealthy beyond the dreams of avarice, discussing our brother's sexual identity, perhaps the very heart of his being, and you want to bet five bucks?"

Emmett considered this. "Ten, then."

"Deal," said Jasper. They shook hands.

"What's your proof?" asked Jasper.

"First, he doesn't date," said Emmett. "As far as we know, he's never been with a women."

Jasper never even paused to consider this. "There are no vampire women for him to date," he said. "And in the era he was raised a gentleman did not 'be with' a woman to whom he was not married."

"Tanya wanted him," pointed out Emmett. "Still does, as far as we know. She practically threw herself at him."

"He's not attracted to her that way, and they still aren't married," said Jasper.

"He turned down Rosalie!" said Emmett, as though this were the most incomprehensible thing in the universe. "We both know Carlisle and Esme hoped the two of them would join up, but he didn't." Emmett shook his head. "No straight male could ever pass her over."

"Yes, they could," said Jasper. _Particularly if they like their women capable of thought, _he added internally.

"You wouldn't," said Emmett.

"I would," said Jasper.

"Wouldn't," said Emmett.

"Would," said Jasper. "She's not my type, nor is she Edward's. Anything else?"

"Don't you see?" said Emmett in exasperation. "He has no interest in women."

"And what about men?" asked Jasper.

"What?" said Emmett.

"What about men?" repeated Jasper. "If he is gay, he should show an interest in men. So name one." Jasper quietly regarded Emmett. "I'm waiting."

"Alright," said Emmett at last. "I don't know any. But there's more."

Jasper cocked an eyebrow. "Like what?"

Emmett thought for a moment. "He's always redecorating," he said.

"He's bored," said Jasper. "He doesn't have our distractions."

"He likes music and he sings."

"Doesn't mean anything."

"He sings Julie Andrews' songs," said Emmett. "At Julie Andrews' pitch."

"That doesn't….necessarily… mean anything," said Jasper.

Emmett smirked at Jasper. "You had to think about that one," he said.

"Yes," admitted Jasper. "I thought about it and I rejected it. Isn't. Pay up."

"Is. Pay me."

"Unless you can come up with something else, you haven't made your case," said Jasper.

Emmett rose from the couch and began pacing back and forth. "I don't have anything else," he grumbled. "But there's more. I know it. We need to think of something sneaky to trick him into revealing the truth."

"He's a _mind reader_," said Jasper. "How do you propose to sneak around him?"

"I'll think of a way," said Emmett.

"Why not just ask him, if you're so interested?" asked Jasper. "That would settle the question quickly and prove me right."

"You can't just go up to him and ask," said Emmett with a shiver. "It's just not done. That would be gross."

Jasper allowed himself to process the idea that a huge, hulking, super strong vampire who wrestled bears before ripping their throats out with his teeth would be squeamish enough to find anything 'gross.' "Well," said Jasper. "He's gone for a few days. That gives you a little time to think of something."

"I'll come up with something," said Emmett. "Just you wait and see."

"Oh, I'll see alright," said Jasper. "You just make sure you have the ten bucks handy."

_End of chapter one. Another chapter will be coming at some indeterminate future time. Review if you care._


	2. Chapter 2

Edward the Ambiguous

Chapter 2

_Blah blah nothing is mine etc ad nauseum._

Two days later Emmett still hadn't come up with anything, but to Jasper's dismay he wouldn't stop talking about the subject. As Jasper sat in the front room, listening to Emmett rave as he paced back and forth across the room, he felt it was time to end this conversation. He hoped his cunning and multiple degrees in psychology would be sufficient to sidetrack Emmett's mind.

"I think I know why you're concerned about Edward's sexuality," he began. "It's because you're feeling insecure about yourself."

"I- what?" spluttered Emmett.

"You're feeling insecure and uncertain about yourself and you're projecting that onto Edward." explained Jasper. His plan seemed to be working thus far. Emmett stopped pacing, and appeared to be speechless.

"That's nuts," said Emmett. "Do you know how many houses Rosalie and I have destroyed?"

"Yes, Emmett, we all know about your and Rosalie's wrecking ball tendencies," said Jasper in a bored, exasperated sort of voice. "But I can't help but notice that this house is still standing."

"We do that out of respect for Esme and the rest of you," said Emmett defensively.

"You never showed us any respect in the past," said Jasper. "And the rest of us can tell that you two have toned it way down."

"What? You guys listen in?" said Emmett nervously.

"Vampiric hearing, remember?" said Jasper, tapping his ear. "We can't help it. We hear every sweet nothing you two say to each other, including the time you called her 'Mom'."

"You didn't!" gasped Emmett.

"We did," said Jasper. "It's our new nickname for her."

"We used to destroy houses!" Emmett spluttered again.

"And when was the last one? Ten years ago? Twenty?" Jasper shook his head. "You're losing your touch. The Emmett of old would never have let himself slide this badly, and now here you are, wondering if Edward is gay." Jasper leaned forward to speak in a conspiratorial whisper, all the while watching for Emmett's fists, in case he decided to strike. "One could almost wonder if you're thinking of testing the waters…."

"I'll show you!" exploded Emmett, and with that he stormed out of the room.

Jasper waited a moment to make sure Emmett was not returning, then spread himself out on the couch a bit, and did something he could almost never do when Emmett was around, and took control of the converter. He changed from Emmett's action adventure movie and found to his delight that another station was playing the movie _Gettysburg_. Jasper had served at that battle and personally knew several of the people depicted in the movie, so he was curious about the movie and settled down to watch it. He soon found himself gauging the historical accuracy of the movie, making comments like "Not bad… oh, that's way off…. True, true… bah, he would never have said anything like that." On the whole he was enjoying himself.

He had been watching the movie for about forty minutes when Carlisle, Esme and Alice walked in. "Ah, Jasper," said Carlisle, coming over to Jasper. Exme and Alice followed. Esme sat on the couch beside him, Alice landed lightly on his lap. "I was hoping you might help us with a little mystery."

"I'll give you any help I can, Carlisle," said Jasper.

"Here's the thing," began Carlisle. "The three of us just passed by Emmett, who is on the phone talking with some real estate agent about buying an entire subdivision. I was wondering if you could shed some light on the matter."

"Ah, right," said Jasper. Inwardly he found his interior voice growling _Emmett!_ He found inner voice doing that a lot lately. Outwardly he said: "Right, well, ah- do you want the short version or the long version?" He hoped he could get back to watching his movie.

"I suppose the short would suffice," said Carlisle.

Jasper took a deep breath before beginning. It was completely unnecessary for a vampire, but old habits die hard. "It all began with Emmett wondering…" Jasper tried to think of a delicate way to phrase it. "Emmett was wondering if Edward- ah- played for the other team."

Carlisle had a puzzled expression on his face as he went over those words. "If Emmett's worried about that," he began. "We can have Edward play on Emmett's team the next time we have a ball game, but I don't see why he'd want to move away because of that…"

"No, no," said Jasper, interrupting. "Emmett was wondering if Edward is gay."

Carlisle pondered that for a moment. "I see," said Carlisle at last. "And the subdivision?"

"Well, I kind of convinced Emmett he might be projecting onto Edward, so he wants to have sex with Rosalie to prove he's not."

Carlisle nodded. "I suppose that makes sense in an Emmett-ish sort of way…"

"What makes Emmett think Edward is gay?" asked Esme.

"Nonsense, really," said Jasper, giving up on the movie for the time being. "Edward has no interest in Tanya or Rosalie, likes music and redecorates."

Alice laughed musically. "That's it?"

"Pretty much."

"Edward is a caring, sensitive soul," said Esme. "He just hasn't found the right girl yet."

"That's what I said, more or less," agreed Jasper. "As for the music and such, I said that Edward doesn't have our distractions and needs to find other ways to fill his time."

For a brief moment Jasper could swear he felt the temperature in the room drop. His ability to sense emotions told him he was in trouble, but for the life of him he couldn't tell why,. Then Alice spoke.

"I'm sorry, but could you please repeat that?" she said in a voice that was both honey sweet and icy cold. It was the kind of voice that threatened a death that was neither short nor painless. "I must have misheard, because I could just swear I heard you call me a 'distraction'."

"Ah…" said Jasper. "Uh… ummm…" _uh-oh._ Internally, he added this to the long list of things that were Emmett's fault.

Carlisle chuckled. Esme, who had been staring at Jasper in both amazement that he could say such a thing and pity that he had in fact said such a thing whirled on Carlisle.

"What are you laughing at?" said Esme. "You think this is funny? Perhaps you agree with him. Perhaps you consider _me_ to be a distraction."

"You are a distraction," said Carlisle. "The most beautiful, wonderful, amazing distraction that has ever happened to any man."

"Hmmm," said Esme thoughtfully. "In that case I think I can forgive you." She leaned towards him, and he took the signal and bent forward to give her a light kiss.

"I hope you were taking notes," whispered Alice into Jasper's ear.

"What?" said Jasper. "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. I was too enthralled by your beauty." Alice smiled and kissed him. Carlisle chuckled again.

"You're learning, son, you're learning," he said.

"But seriously, Carlisle," said Jasper quickly. "What do you think about Edward? Is he gay or not?"

"With our kind, it isn't always that simple," said Carlisle. His eyes took on a distant, far off, nostalgic look as he spoke. "You and Emmett- and myself included- have found our true loves and soulmates. Edward has not. Often a sense of loneliness will drive a vampire to seek relationships that are fulfilling for a time, but eventually break down into boredom. After a time a vampire may seek the thrill of novelty just to feel _something_. In these cases an otherwise straight vampire may find his head turned by the sight of a young, handsome man with tight, round…" Carlisle stopped as he became aware that everyone else in the room was now staring at him.

"Carlisle," Esme began slowly and dubiously. "Is there anything you want to tell me?"

"Oh, I… Uh… you weren't thinking I was speaking for myself?" he said. "Pshaw… no, no, this was just something I heard from a friend… who heard it from another friend…whom I never met, of course…"

"But Edward has never had any relationship that we know of," said Jasper, trying to get the conversation back on track.

"That doesn't mean the need to connect isn't there," said Carlisle, grateful for the change of topic. "Just remember this: whatever he may be, he is still our Edward." With that Carlisle took Esme by the hand and the two of them walked into the next room, leaving Jasper to ponder Carlisle's last words.

"Earth to Jazz," said Alice softly.

"Oh-sorry," said Jasper sheepishly. "I was just thinking."

"As long as you're thinking," said Alice. "Could you try and solve another mystery for me?"

"If I can," said Jasper.

"Would you know," began Alice. "Why people have taken to calling me 'smurfette' at school?"

_Emmett!_ Thought Jasper.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

**Another day, another disclaimer. I do not own the characters, etc etc.**

Jasper stood in the middle of the forest, staring at Emmett's backside as he fiddled with the television screen nestled among the trees, reflecting on how he had gotten there. Emmett being Emmett, several large non-sequitors were involved.

It had begun earlier that day. Jasper had been sitting on the couch watching the news. The newsman had just reported on the mysterious, complete and utter destruction of a new subdivision when Emmett bounded in through the front door, grinning from ear to ear, Rosalie beside him, looking rather pleased with herself. Rosalie gave Emmett a quick kiss and whispered "Hurry!" to Emmett before she headed upstairs. She passed by Alice on her way.

"Smurfette," said Rosalie by way of greeting.

"Mom," said Alice in return.

Emmett bounded over to Jasper. "I've got it!' he said quickly. Then he raced up the stairs after Rosalie.

"What has he got?" asked Alice, coming over.

"No clue," said Jasper. "Possibly it's a plan to discern Edward's gender preference, or perhaps it's a case of Vampiric VD." He leaned towards Alice and whispered conspiratorially: "I don't suppose you can look into the future and see what he has in mind?"

"Let's see," said Alice, here eyes taking on the distant look she always had when peering into the future. "Based on Emmett's current decisions, I see him charging into his and Rosalie's room, where they start ripping off each other's…. Gah! My eyes! My eyes!"

Jasper held Alice in his arms, using his power to try and calm her down. "It's okay," he said patting her back. "It's just a vision."

"My eyes," moaned Alice. "It burns! IT BURNS!"

Jasper continued trying to smooth over her feelings of shock and horror. Then he said: "I don't suppose you can look a little farther into future, could you?"

Alice glared at him. "I'm stuck in this vision! The horror! The horror!"

Several hours later Alice had been calmed, though still in some state of shock. She refused to look either Emmett or Rosalie in the face when they came down the stairs and instead fled the room. Emmett sought out Jasper and began to explain what he meant by "it".

"The idea came to me while Rosalie and I were… you know," began Emmett. "We film Edward!"

Jasper opted against asking Emmett how having sex with Rosalie gave him the idea of filming Edward. There could be no good answer to that. Instead he asked: "Film him doing what?" That question was asked with only slightly less trepidation.

"It's obvious!" said Emmett. "Edward comes home today, right? We plant a camera in the living room, and we leave two magazines on the coffee table. One will be GQ, and the other will be the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition. Whichever one he picks up first will tell us what team he plays for."

Jasper reflected on the meaning of the word 'obvious' and how it applied to this plan. Nothing came to mind, other than the fact that 'obvious' had nearly the same letters as 'oblivious'. "I assume that if he picks up GQ, he's gay?"

"Obviously. GQ is only read by gays and metrosexuals." Emmett was grinning again, confident in his plan.

"What is a metrosexual?" asked Jasper, wondering if this would lead to a new argument, debate, and a bet.

"It's a nominally straight guy who dresses like a gay one," said Emmett in exasperation.

Jasper once again reflected on how the world had changed since his day. He longed for the time when he could just shoot someone just because they needed killin'. Jasper started to voice another objection, but seeing the look on Emmett's face, decided it would be of no purpose. Instead he threw up his hands and said: "I assume you already have a camera?"

And thus they were out in the forest, testing the reception of their television. "There," said Emmett straightening up. He stepped to one side with a "ta-da!" gesture towards the television. The living room of the Cullens was clearly visible, including the coffee table with two magazines lying on it. "What do you think?"

"I think I preferred it when you were theorizing about smurfs," said Jasper.

"Funny you should mention that," said Emmett. "I've been thinking a bit more about them."

_Oh no,_ thought Jasper.

"You ever noticed that of a hundred smurfs, only one is a girl? She must be…"

"If you're going to say what I think you're going to say, do not say it," said Jasper.

"I'm just sayin'…" he snapped his head towards the television. "Look! There he is!"

Despite knowing in his very bones that this could not possibly work, Jasper came closer to the screen and stared intently. On the television, Edward walked into the house and looked around, a confused expression on his face. Clearly he was wondering where everybody was. He wandered around the room for a moment, then started towards the couch. He paused briefly by the coffee table as he spotted the two magazines. Both Jasper and Emmett sucked in their breaths as Edward reached towards the coffee table. This was the moment of truth, Emmett and Jasper thought. Then Edward picked up both magazines at the same time.

"Aw, for crying out loud!" cried Emmett.

"I knew this wouldn't work," said Jasper smugly. "You've proved nothing."

"I'm still right," said Emmett. "I'm telling you, he's gay."

"He's straight," said Jasper. "Just accept it."

"He's gay."

"He's straight."

"Gay!"

"Straight!"

Engrossed in their argument, neither noticed Edward on the television screen. Edward briefly considered the two magazines, because Cullens normally read neither (Esme would deeply disapprove of the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated and Alice gave them far better fashion advice than they would ever get from those metrosexuals at GQ) and came to the conclusion that something was up, and that it involved Emmett and Jasper. He looked around the room briefly, and then stared for a long moment directly into the camera. Then he flickered out of the screen.

Neither Jasper nor Emmett noticed. "Gay!"

"Straight!"

"Gay!"

"Straight!"

"Ga--- do you have the feeling we're being watched?"

Jasper and Emmett turned slowly to one side to see Edward, his arms folded across his chest, glaring daggers at the two of them. They each had the good graces to be embarrassed. "Um, welcome back, Ed!" said Emmett in what he thought was cheerful, welcoming tone.

Edward stared icily back at him, his gaze flickering between him and Jasper. "I'm not," he said at last. And then, moving so quickly neither Jasper nor Emmett had a chance to react, he grabbed the pair of them by their ears, and soundly rang their heads together. The crack echoed throughout the forest as both Jasper and Emmett fell to the ground. Then, with a flicker, Edward was gone.

"We deserved that," said Jasper, rubbing his head.

"I guess so," said Emmett rising and dusting himself off. "At any rate, pay up."

"What?" said Jasper.

"I said, 'pay up'," repeated Emmett holding out his hand for the money. "I clearly heard him tell you he's not straight."

"Oh no," said Jasper getting to his feet. "No no no no no. What you heard was him telling you he's not gay."

"No way. He was definitely speaking to you," said Emmett.

"No, it was you."

"No, you."

"No, you!"

"No, you!"

"You!"

"You!"

*

The matter lay undecided for some time. Then one day they all came home from school, and Edward was in a high state of agitation. Jasper didn't pay too much attention to it, as he was nearly starving, and he went out to hunt immediately. Emmett, who was hoping for a rematch after Jasper had defeated him in wrestling the night before, came along with Jasper on the hunt. After a few kills, Jasper was feeling a bit better and they headed back to the Cullen house. Along the way, they heard voices in the forest. It was Edward and Carlisle. Jasper and Emmett stopped to listen.

"Carlisle," Edward was saying. "There's this girl at school. She stirs in me feelings I have never felt before."

Jasper chuckled and held out his hand. "Pay up," he said.

Emmett reached into his wallet and pulled out a ten and handed it over. Then he heard Edward continue. "I can't be around her. I have to leave and never see her again."

"Whoa," said Emmett. "Hand that back."

"But you heard him," said Jasper. "He has _feelings_. For a _girl_. Straight."

"But he can't stand to be near her," corrected Emmett. "Gay,"

"Straight," said Jasper.

"Gay," said Emmett.

"Straight."

"Gay."

"Straight!"

"Gay!"

Jasper and Emmett were having an intelligent, mature, well thought out argument.

"Straight!"

"Gay!"

Well, it was an argument, at any rate.

They've been known to do that, from time to time.

_Fin_

_I have a brief epilogue I may tack on in a few weeks, but that's it. Review if you care._


	4. Chapter 4

Epilogue

**Not Mine. If you think these characters are mine, seek professional help, and for the love of all that is holy, get back on your meds.**

The Cullens were out hunting one night. Jasper was with Alice, Carlisle with Esme, Emmett had vanished somewhere with Rosalie and Edward had refrained from watching Bella sleep for the night to get some blood.

Jasper was tracking an Elk with Alice when they heard Carlisle say their name. Though more than a mile distant, they heard his voice as clearly as though he stood beside them. "Jasper…Alice… a moment, if you please," he said.

Jasper and Alice abandoned the elk instantly and flickered through the trees, their feet barely touching the ground as the sped their way to Carlisle.

They found him among the trees, Esme at his side. A moment later Edward appeared close to them. "Carlisle," Jasper said by way of greeting. "What's the matter?"

"Nothing's the matter," said Carlisle. "We had just discovered a little mystery, and we hoped you could shed some light." He stepped to one side and pointed a little way into the trees. They followed the direction his finger pointed, and saw a television set placed incongruously among the trees. "Why is this here?" Carlisle asked.

Edward looked sharply at Jasper, but said nothing. Jasper groaned. "I thought he had taken it back long ago."

"'He'?" asked Esme.

"Emmett," explained Jasper. "Back when he and I had bet that Edward was… you know… Emmett had the idea of planting a camera in the living room and watching Edward as he came home and see if Edward revealed anything."

"So this is set up to spy on us?" asked Esme in disbelief and disappointment.

"Not everyone," said Jasper quickly. "Just Edward. It probably doesn't work anymore."

"Let's see," said Carlisle. "I glanced at the wiring earlier. It was quite impressive and looked as though it may still function. It broadcasts live, I assume?" Jasper nodded. "Then it should show us nothing but an empty room." With that, Carlisle pushed the button.

As it turned out, Jasper was mistaken. The screen glowed and a picture came into focus, but as they looked at the picture, it became Carlisle's turn to be mistaken. It was not an empty room they were watching.

"That's… Emmett," said Alice, horrified.

"And Rosalie," said Edward.

"NO!" screamed Esme. "NOT ON MY COUCH!" Esme vanished into the trees.

"My eyes," moaned Alice. "My poor, poor eyes."

"Curious," said Carlisle. "Does this have sound as well?" Jasper cocked an eyebrow at Carlisle. "I was only curious as to what Esme has to say to them."

"I don't know," said Jasper. "You'd have to try."

Carlisle pressed the sound buttons, and they could all hear a female voice. But it wasn't Esme's, it was Rosalie's.

"Oh, Oh, Oh damn I'm good!" she said.

Jasper, Carlisle, Edward and Alice all looked at each other. "She is rather full of herself, isn't she?" drawled Jasper.

"Actually, at the moment I would say she more full of Emm…" began Edward.

"Do not finish that thought!" interrupted Alice furiously. In turning to look at Edward, she inadvertently turned her eyes towards the screen. She groaned again and quickly hid her eyes.

"Yes, show a little decorum," said Carlisle. "After all, they are your brother and sister."

"Which makes them brother and sister, too, doesn't it?" said Jasper.

Alice clutched her stomach. "I could hurl!" she said. Carlisle merely glared at Jasper, and changed the topic.

"I wonder where Esme got to, she should be there by now," he said.

"Oh, they're smurfed when she shows up," said Jasper with a completely unconcealed glee.

"What did you just say?" asked Carlisle.

"Oh, nothing," said Jasper. "I… oh look, there's Esme," he added, pointing at the screen.

"Ah, yes," said Carlisle. "And…what is that she has behind her?"

Edward peered at the screen. "That looks like the oxyacetylene tank from the garage," he said.

"So it is," said Carlisle. "This should be interesting."

Emmett and Rosalie were completely distracted and did not notice Esme standing in the doorway. Nor did they notice her adjust the nozzle of the welding torch, and spark it into flame. But they did notice when she fired off a stream of fire ten feet long aimed perfectly at Emmett's buttocks.

"Oh……AIIIIIEEEE!" screeched Emmett, jumping up, holding his backside. "Who… what was… Oh, hi Esme," he said in a cheerful voice at last. He pulled his hands to out in front of himself. Behind him Rosalie scrambled to get a couch cushion in front of herself.

"Get. Off. My. Couch." Esme said through gritted teeth.

"Now, now, now… this isn't what you think," Emmett tried to explain.

"How could this possibly be anything other that what I think?" she said. "I think this is exactly what I think. And you want to know what else I think?" she said as she fiddled with the torch. Emmett shook his head, afraid of the answer. "I think this is the cutting setting for this torch. You want to test this out?"

In the forest Jasper watched with a broad grin. "I didn't know Esme knew how o use the torch."

"My Esme is a woman of many, many talents," said Carlisle proudly. "Now shh."

Emmett was shaking his head as Esme threatened to dismember him with the torch. "If that's the case, I suggest the TWO of you," Esme turned to face Rosalie for the first time to let Rosalie know that she had not escaped Esme's wrath. "Get off my couch this instant and tomorrow you will steam clean it from top to bottom before you take the upholstery off, take it out back and burn and then you will replace that very rare and expensive fabric at your own cost by tomorrow night or I will take the flame to the pair of you."

Both Emmett and Rosalie nodded quickly. "Now MOVE!" shouted Esme. With that the two of them scrambled for the stairs. Esme sent off another stream of flame at the pair of them as they headed for the stairs.

"Ah," sighed Edward contentedly. "I've always loved Esme." Jasper and Alice nodded in agreement.

On screen Esme extinguished the torch and hung it on the tanks. Then she went to the wall, her face growing larger as she reached for the camera. The picture on the screen shook as Esme pulled the camera from the wall. Then the picture was an upshot of Esme, from a position on the floor. Lastly, they had a good view of the underside of Esme's shoe as she brought it down on the camera, and the screen went blank.

"Well, that's that. Show's over," said Carlisle. "I'll go help Esme straighten up." With that he flickered away.

"I need to get away," said Alice. "You coming, Jazz?"

"In a moment," Jasper said. "Go. I'll catch up."

Alice flickered away into the trees. Jasper waited a few moments before he went over to Edward. "Do you think Emmett has been recording these little moments?"

Edward just gave Jasper a 'what do you think?' kind of look and said nothing.

"I knew it," said Jasper, shaking his head. He and Edward turned away and began walking. "But where would he hide them?"

"I don't know," said Edward. "I try to avoid his mind when he's thinking about things like that. But, if I was a betting man, I'd say he probably hides them in the same place he hides his stash of GQ."

Jasper stopped dead in his tracks. "Did you say 'GQ'?"

"Yeah," said Edward. "Why?"

"Oh, um, no reason," said Jasper. Inside he thought _Emmett? Naaaaaaaaah_. "I uh, got to go catch up with Alice," he said outwardly, then he too was gone, leaving Edward alone.

Edward thought about what had just happened and shook his head. His vampiric mind ran over the details of what he had seen on screen and as the idea that Rosalie might have been his crossed his mind once again. Then he shivered as though he had just dodged a bullet. He now had Bella, and he couldn't imagine even wanting another woman. That thought drove away all other thoughts in his mind, and he turned his steps towards a distant house where Bella lay asleep.

Yes, gentle reader, though it was hard to tell at times, Edward was indeed straight, and comfortable with it.

Emmett, on the other hand, could be said to be overcompensating….


End file.
